my specs dont wear properly anymore. and theres a small teeeeny cut above my left eye. the after effects of getting smashed in the face while playing soccer at 2 metres by a ball. fun stuff.
haha not that i really care, after all tts the sport i love so much. just interesting to realise how little i cared... play on, play on.

if only life was so easy.

i think something just snapped in me. not like it hasnt been coming for a long time, its just that i've been putting of this entry. hoping that somehow, someway, things will change. or that i will change. or that i'd see the error of my way, of my thoughts and feeling. sadly i've just been proven right. and i'd never expect it to be on a day like this. but then, when else can it happen?

oh well. fish and co was quite fun, especialy when the fish and co waiter/waitress made the whole restaurant, yes the WHOLE restaurant, pay attention to our table (which was well located at the front of the restaurant hehe) with shouts of 'hey everybody listen up!! its someone's birthday today!' hahaha. poor xiangwei (i bet you loved the attention) was made to stand up on his chair while they all sang a song for him hehehe. and we were sitting on those high bar chairs too... :D happy bday xiangwei! hope u had fun.

anyhow... well i've kinda lost my mood swing to continue with my post. but the rough jist of it... optimism comes and goes, but pessism runs through my veins. and i give up. i throw in the towel. im only going to conserve my effort for those who return the same. thats it in a nutshell.



and so it is...
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most, of the time

....

can't take my eyes of you

even though its been so long... this song still blows me away. =)

been a very hectic weekend! all thanks to zijian who helped us settle the guard duty problem (the guy on guard is overseas in thailand :s) and allowed me to have an amazing weekend.

friday. 22nd july. relaaac!
spent pretty much the whole day just slacking around at marina south, doing some saigang here saigang there, carry this here shift this there.. deploy deploy ceasefireceasefire.. was out of there early early =) which meant my weekend started early, which is always a good thing. had intentions of going out... maybe catching the island, or just supper. but well as usual not v easy to get things going when no one replies. oh well no big deal, had a good rest at home, playing dota and blog surfing. pretty uneventful day, but a good break from the week nonetheless.

saturday. 23rd july. no place like hom... orchard.
crawled out of bed at 9am... an hour and a half before my alarm was set to ring. i swear army has screwed up my biological clock.. i seem to be unable to sleep for long hours. except on sat night-sunday morning, which is reall really bad. but more on that later! got to town on time! (muaha) or at least before vinia haha, who was late too. went to american club with hui omalley christabel.. which is quite high class heh, phones arent allowed inside the restaurant (quite dumb, especially since i was talking so softly, but what the heck =p) and there was a guard carrinyg an mp5 outside.. caught my eye heh. any old how the mash potatoes from american club is excellent.. one of the best (if not THE best) i've had. the fish and chips sucks though, the batter was just too... floury and think, the fish became a fat lump. the fish was nice, but the batter.. yeech =p but was fun fun.. great to see vinia again too. met melf after tt and took some neoprints at fareast (which were bloody expensive. 9 dollars for a small sheet of sticky photos. like, what a rip-off!) but haha guess ppl pay cos its fun, and i have to admit it was quite fun heh. have quite a few neoprints in my wallet now.. cant bear to stick them anywhere though, especially not on my crumbling wallet (hint hint, if u need to give me a present.. :p)

and this is just the start of my saturday. after which i zipped on down to holland hill (i just like saying holland hill, holland hill holland hill holland hill!) for caregroup at jac's place (hehe i like saying tt too... *halo*). which was kind awkward at first, but got better later when jeremy turned up heh. anyway feels good to attend caregroup.. guess i cant really call myself a member.. but it feels good to be there nonetheless. sang 'you are so faithful' during the worship session... thought of caleb of course (haha :p). after which zipped off early because of the arts fac reunion... well okae i was already 45minutes late.. but kinda paiseh to zao halfway through sharing. speaking of zipping.. on my way searching for jac's unit i made a fool of myself (my ankle still hurts abit i think) by falling down a flight of stairs. haha yes, you know those like, steps that lead down to a lower part of the estate? kinda like a 'half-flight' of stairs tt brings you from the lobby to the ground floor... well it was raining, so the steps were soaked, and frictionless (stupid designers) and i basically flew down the steps ala banana peel fall. not v fun :p
no more accidents from then on though, and i made it safely to ac for the arts reunion. which wasnt as well as attended as i'd expected it to be, but was still good to see familiar faces and ppl i havent seen in awhile. the reunion then shifted off to holland v, essential brews (where else, my fav haunt). but it was just too jammed pack (like a tin of sardines, 15+ ppl crammed around 4 small tables) and i couldnt take the cliquey conversations and the whole catching up atmosphere. i mean like, i love catching up and stuff, but when 1. you dont have your clique 2. its just so stuffy 3. you cant really talk to who you want to 4. ppl interuppt like mad. it just sianned me out, so i cancelled my order and zipped off (i like saying zipped too) to starbucks. which was soooo much better, just me and eugene and the super comfy sofas and my lovely grande rhumba frap (venti cost 7 bucks ouch). anyhow i realised tt the idea of reunion might be a good thing... but it also feels kinda pretentious and superficial. i mean, maybe i've reached the stage in life (or point in mine, at least) that i just cant be bothered about social circles anymore. i keep in touch with the people i want to keep in touch with, and i put in the effort to go out/hang/chill whatever you want to call it with those ppl i really want to. and i have to say, it is quite irritating when you try to get ppl to go out and they ask 'who's going'.. i guess its a natural reaction, one which i was guilty of many times in secondary school. but now its like, i dont care so much anymore (unless numbers are needed) because well. its kinda like, it reduces the significance? of meeting the person asking. kinda like, its not enough to just see me, other ppl must be present too. i dunno, kinda sensitive/egotistic maybe, but still. u know what i mean. and like sometimes i feel abit sickened to organise such things anymore, because i have to msged so many ppl whom i already know the reply (either no reply, or negative reply) just beacuse its polite to ask ppl to go. like, i'd rather save my msgs for those who put in the effort to meet up, than those who always are busy or whatever. oh well, one of the many gripes i've been putting up with, and guess i will continue to put up with. because i know its just me.
my favourite kind of hanging out is like one on one, because its personal, you can talk about anything under the sun, and its sooooo much more meaningful. 5 people going out still makes the grade, but only if like all of them are rather close, or at least close enough that no one gets left out. i doubt its possible from like 8 people onwards, for it just because cliquiesh from there (i bet i spelled tt wrong). so... yup. tts my view. not tt its very difficult to do... 'class' suppers at holland v are rather cliqueish (vary the spelling, surely one will be right) cos its the 'holland v gang' but.. i kinda like having my own 'gang' so to speak. at least i feel like i belong somewhere.
being left out just really sucks. and that ends saturday.

sunday. 24th july. a good day =)
somehow managed (for the second day!) to crawl out of my bed at the mad time of 8:13am (thx dad!), not even realising/remembering anything about the alarm i had set for 745 heh. chionged and got ready, and shared a cab with my parents to queenstown, before continuing on my own to suntec for service. which was at 9, and i kinda arrived at 9... luckily worship had just started and i made my way in with jac.. i dont think i'll ever get used to having to 'queue' up to get into church, and seeing people get rejected from the main service and ushered to the 'overflow rooms' instead. somehow it just seems wrong to me, even though i know tt the overflow rooms allow more ppl to participate in the service. oh well i already had a seat saved anyway.. =) felt great to be in the presence of God once more... somehow ever since my long long 2 year hiatus from church, i no longer sleep during the service and sermon. maybe its determination, but i think being in church now fills me so much with the holy spirit that i just cant fall asleep, i refuse to allow myself. because for the first tiem in my life, i'm going to church because i want to be there, i want to worship and glorify God, and not out of ritual/tradition. and it feels sooo good. after tt headed down to town to meet aims for lunch at nydc, stopping to chat with da (looking good! =) ) at the heritage fest, and also running into bev on my way out, who was late for 2nd heh. which means that i've seen many many ppl this weekend.. which makes it a very good weekend =) most of all, because i've finally spent time with God again :)
and so i'm at home now blogging... gonna eat dinner! and then it'll be time to book in again... cant wait for the next weekend. i feel refreshed and rejuvenated... my fresh start continues strong =)

like the sun, that rises everyday
you are so faithful, lord you are faithful
like the rain, that you send, and every breath that i breathe
you are so faithful lord

like the rose, that comes alive every spring
you are so faithful, lord you are faithful
like the life, that you give, to every beat of my heart
your are so faithful lord

i see the cross, and the price you had to pay
i see the blood, that washed my sins away
and in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the waves
you'll still be faithful, you'll still be faithful
if the stars, refused to shine and time is no more
you'll still be faithful, you'll still be faithful lord

You'll always be faithful.



back home, and it feels darn good. =)

been a good week, even though it was full of ups and downs. ups because of the way everything turned out, and the knowledge that God is with me. downs because of the potential for 'disaster' this week, loads of saigang arrowed my way, and accidents occuring.

yes, accidents. today an accident happened to someone i happened to be angry at, and now i kinda feel guilty about the way i reacted. but well i was pissed, even if perhaps unjustly so. it just so happens tt the accident happened to someone who well, hasnt been v helpful (or rather not helpful at all) and tends to be more slack than the rest of us, but he's still been in my little clique in camp though. well i dunno, but i guess now thats everything be said and done, i hope he's alright.

the accident. quite freaky actually, but suprisingly i didnt find myself grossed out or whatever. perhaps i've watched too much CSI and nip/tuck and other gory stuff, but it was kinda 'eww' when we saw the skin and nail of his fourth finger on the garage floor. his finger got kinda sliced badly, until the point tt my friend said he saw the bone :s it got caught by part of one leg of our radar when he was keeping it.. kinda crushed/sliced the top joint of his ring finger. and supposedly now he's gonna lose part of his finger forever ugh. apparently he was kinda stoned/no reaction about it... just hope he's alright.

the disaster. well not really a disaster, but it would have really crushed me and destroyed everything i've believed in about army so far. remember the last time when i did a last minute emergency guard on sunday? while tt worked out v well for me, the replacement date (23rd sat, yup arts fac reunion) suddenly became a probably, because he'd be overseas in thailand. infact he is in thailand right now. and no one really noticed it (we kinda knew, but no one said anything, lack of iniative, or maybe fear of getting arrowed about it) or didnt wanna say.. and suddenly the guard duty became 'available' again. well not really available, but it had to be done, and either me (the original one, plus i dont have duty today - most of my battery does) or roy had to do it. and we both have committments, his albeit more dire than mine (college day). but thank god zijian was available to do it, even though he's from another battery. and to our pleasant shock heh, my bsm agreed to let him help us out.. so we're covered =) and thus this disaster worked out in the end, and well, im free for arts reunion! and hopefully to see vinia too... VINIA WHERE ARE YOU! paging vinia... miss you :p and not for the second time, hopefully heh.

and through this all... i guess God guided me through. for i've been getting a lot of saigang and like, the worst duties (yup im on duty on national day, but not the worst i have to admit, office duty aint as bad as guard on national day heh) but well, kinda self-absorbed point of view though heh. i just know that i have to accept what comes my way and deal with it best i can. jesus has already saved me... and yet He seems to keep saving me everyday. and that speaks so much about His love for me.. i can only pray that i can in turn glorify his name daily.



and the revamp never came.. because i just cant find the inspiration to fix up my blog nice. but if theres anything i've learnt more and more as the days go by, its patience. not just any kind of patience, but the kind of patience that waits with a faint optimism.. optimism that keeps me going, knowing that in the end everything will work out right. because i control more of myself than i am willing to concede. and no matter how much i continue to torture myself, i know that my salvation has already been paid for. no matter how much i torture myself, i am saved.

so why do i do it? heh, if i knew the answer then it wouldnt be a question would it. surely there are better ways to live, than to live a life full of regrets, a life blotted by the mistakes i make, mistakes only seen by myself. and im sure i am not alone, for everytime i feel that my problems are unique, i somehow find out that im not special at all, that everyone else has the exact same problems. its just that when your obsessed with yourself, you imagine that they only exist in your world. and somehow knowing that your problems are unique might even make you feel special, make you feel as though your'e still in your own perfect world. but thats where your'e wrong. because we werent placed here to be alone. we're just not.

and enough this nonsense. heh. i promised myself a fresh start, and well im gonna have a fresh start. and that includes this blog.

life in army has been going pretty smoothly actually. sometimes its like i actually like being in the army, i enjoy what i do, being in the company of guys (yes, brotherhood does rock) where i can do what i want. for some reason being in the army seems to release you from all the otherwise social constraints that you have to practice in the presence of... well, girls. somehow its like i can truly be me when im in camp. its ironic isnt it. stuck in camp, 'confined' even, and yet liberated. only guys will understand.

many things popping up on my plate now... ndp static display at marina south (which is a super ulu place, i have no idea who will go there just to see some army display for national day), xcountry training (which i swear is making my lower back hurt, the kind of hurt that reminds me 'you've spent the last 19 years hunching, so stop it now before u paralyse yourself') and general saigang, which i deal with everyday. and the past week in camp was real frustrating for me, where i felt as though i woud just give up and not give a shit anymore. when your'e doing hard work, especially manual labour, and you see others slacking about, and it seems like all the shit is being arrowed towards you, you just wanna scream out and explode, maybe even find some way to get even. then i realised... im learning something here. nothings ever fair in this world, but the only way to glorify God (something i pray about every night) is to do my best, and hopefully be a testimony to Him. and i know what i have to do.

with every little step i take, i know that im saved.

and thats enough for me.



ahhh back at home at last. never felt this good before, and that says a lot! considering bmt and all =) why does it feel so good? because its a fresh start!! yes indeed for the first time in the longest time im free from all my troubles! 'why?' you might ask.. because i've decided to start afresh. purged myself of all my bad memories and moved on. heh. bad memories should be forgotten as quickly as possible, at most existing only as lessons learnt. my life has been blogged with all these regrets and issues and stuff, but i think i've finally found a way to move on. and its been infront of me all the time, i've just never reached out to grab it. and now i have! =)

this fresh start also means no more self-pity, self-absorption, no more poor self-esteem and no more, yes, NO MORE indecisiveness! haha not gonna be easy, but its what i have to do if i want to clean up my life. and i rest assured, knowing that God will be with me every step of the way. and even if i dont feel it, i have faith that my friends (i.e. you, you, and YOU!) will be with me too =)

too shagged from xcountry training to say much more now... i know what it means to be too tired to think.. or at least too tired to want to think, because my head was exploding after our slope sprints heh. but lets just say... its time for revamp =)



back to camp for emergency guard.. wheee.
at least i get a day off, and my next weekend duty is swapped.. sigh really tired though.



i've never felt so utterly and totally consumed. trapped and crushed with no place to go, and even the idea of returning back to square one doesnt exist, for square one is nowhere, and that sthe same place am i right now.

and thats truly lost. lost for words, lost in spirit, emotionally lost, lost in every possible sense of the word.

just lost.

josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

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